Never Once

Never Once, a song by Matt Redman, came on and I fell apart.  It has been over a year since my family and I were stuck in the middle of the terrorist attack at Westage Shopping Mall in Nairobi, Kenya.  I thought that those kinds of tears were finished.  I have found that I still get weak/ weepy when I think about that day, but I had no idea that there was a breakdown left in me. 

I was driving back down the mountain after dropping my oldest son off at boarding school.  This is the second to last 3-month term before he graduates.  I am sure that had nothing to do with it ;) .  I was talking to God and listening to music when the song came on.  You have to understand the way God used certain songs to minister to me during the time following Westgate.  I had been introduced to Oceans by a college roommate just before and He strengthened me, showing me that HE called me out upon the waters, HE took me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith was made stronger in the presence of my Savior.  He used Take Heart to remind me to let His love lead me through the night, to hold on to Hope, and take courage again.  There are others, but Never Once He used to take me BACK to the scene, back to Westgate and remember that HE. WAS. THERE.

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

My family had been separated during the initial explosions and gunfire.  My husband and oldest son were on the level above my four younger children and I.  We were rounding the corner when the blasts started.  We were inches away from the gunmen’s entry point. We turned and ran to the opposite corner of the mall.  We ended up in a storage area, kneeling between pallets of flour and shelves of toilet paper.  We were stuck there for several hours, stuck listening to screams, gunfire, and explosions.  The fear was that we would be found.  The fear was not knowing what would happen if we were found. I have always had a vivid imagination and it was taking me places I didn’t want to go with my little ones.  We had also “collected” two boys who had been separated from their mother.  My heart ached for them and for their mother, whom they were unable to reach by phone.

We were kneeling on a battleground. 

During one of the lulls between shooting we VERY quietly began talking about how God had provided for us.  He had kept us together, He had provided people to help us along the way, He used store employees to pass out water to us, and we had been able to contact my husband by phone and knew they were ok.  I couldn’t believe we hadn’t been separated in that sea of people, there were 5 of us.  I couldn’t believe we didn’t get trampled; the panic of the crowd was palpable. I couldn’t believe none of us had been shot; the gunfire was RIGHT behind us.

We were looking at just how far we’d come, knowing that every victory was HIS power in us.

The whole time we were hiding there was NEVER a doubt that God was there.  He was the strong tower we ran to – the flour and toilet paper that provided our shelter.  Remembering that as I kneeled uncomfortably, I laughed to myself.  His presence was so very real, so very sure.  He was, and is, the friend that sticks closer than a brother. He is faithfully true to who He is.  He doesn’t change and He doesn’t lie.  I was able to rest in the truth of who HE is.  I knew that no matter what happened, He would be faithful, He would be there.

Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace

The days and weeks that followed the attack at Westgate were the kind of hard and wonderful that can only be explained by the presence of God walking through it with you.  The sweetness of that time is something I will always cherish.  God allowed me to see a part of Him in such a tangible way.  So, Westgate was a gift.  Would I ever WANT to do it again?  No!  Would I go there with Him again? … I humbly answer, “If He so led”.  God is gracious and He Himself is our peace.

In the year or so since Westgate there have been scars and struggles, but with joy my heart can say, “Never Once did we ever walk alone”.

So, back to the breakdown…

I am sad that I am still struggling over a year out.  Not all days are hard, but some sneak up and punch me in the gut when I’m not looking.  We ended up going back to the states for two months this summer for some counselling, which was SO helpful.  And I am back to meeting with a counselor now.  Westgate was traumatic but carrying the lie that I failed in healing has been worse. Every perceived failure since feels like another weight added.

I have a hard time accepting that “we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7.  It is hard to be so fragile.  I would SO rather have my stuff together.  So I will put one foot in front of the other and embrace the hard, the humbling, the broken parts of me, and trust Him with the healing. 

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Jaden got a handmade journal from the J-girls

Showing off make up from Honey

Yes! DP!

Just a few pics for the grand parents ;)

Chris and I spent the day under the weather and on the couch but it didn't stop the celebrating! We read our final reading of Jotham's Journey (I cannot get the computer to let me underline the title!) and The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. I was reminded again of the true wonder of what God did. He sent His Perfect Son from the glories of Heaven to us. Unto us a child is born, a Son is given. I was blown away (again) that He loves me- in my good and bad moments, my ups and my downs. He knew the times I would be faithful and the times I would be completely rotten and He still came. Praise God for Emmanuel- God with us!

Naomi's Village

Today we received such a blessing! Our family, the J-girls, and some people from a local church loaded up in 2 vans and made our way to Naomi's Village to meet and visit with some special kids. Naomi's Village is a children's home with a vision to love and invest in Kenyan children with the hope that they will not only survive, but grab hold of the truth that they are valued by God and that He has a plan for each person.

Emily enjoys "Don't break the ice" with some expert players.

Avery especially enjoyed holding the babies!

Ester and Emma loving on the little ones.

Jaden holding a little guy who was so full of energy! He had us really laughing!

Emma, Gavin, and Avery in the dining hall between games. The pictures all around the wall are the attributes of God. They are visual reminders of the things the staff are teaching the children about God.

It was raining so we spent most of our time indoors. We played games, worked puzzles, held babies, visited with the workers about how we can pray and help, and just hung out with some special kids.

No pics of Z-man. He was way too busy playing in the play room with the little kids. He did not want to leave and is READY to go back!

One of the main reasons we visited today was because the founders want the children to have strong Kenyan role models. Our hope is that God will place orphans on the hearts of some of the students in Nairobi and that we can all visit regularly.

All of the staff at Naomi's Village were great. They have a special but tough job! Especially on my heart today is Jane, the worker in the baby room. She has a big job with 3 little babies! If you think of her, would you pray too?

If you want to know more about the special ministry of Naomi's Village I encourage you to click here!

making merry

Some friends joined us in decorating sugar cookies and watching a Christmas movie.
Jaden is holding the last of the puppies. She will go to the girls in the picture when they finish language school soon! (the puppy, not JJ)

Emma, Avery, and Zephan went down to Ester and Emily's apartment and became living Christmas trees

Fall Birthdays!

To celebrate Emma and Zephan's week apart birthdays we went to the water park!

September: ZZ celebrates turning 5!

Emma's 7th Birthday- October

an answer to the dreaded question

We are trying something new (for us) this year. Every day I hear, "how many days until Christmas?" UGH! So, I made a green and red paper chain. We will rip one link off every day giving a visual of how many days until Christmas. On each link I put either a verse, a Christmas greeting in a different language, or a day of Christmas from the 12 days of Christmas. On the back there are things like: baking something with Mom to give to someone else or keep, doing something special for someone in the family without them knowing, making a craft, picking a Christmas movie to watch together, etc. I am using the ADVENTure book by Lisa Welchel and Christmas Around the World by Mary D. Lankford for the baking and craft ideas.

My desire is that this will not only keep me from hearing the dreaded question 145 times a day but also to refocus my crew. I hope that they can enjoy serving and encouraging others and focus on the Reason we celebrate...JESUS!

”If you wish to make an impact for one year, plant corn; if you wish to make an impact for a generation, plant a tree; if you wish to make an impact for eternity, educate a child.” anon

Tarrying by the Stuff (from 1 Samuel 30:24) by Lois Wilder Cowles

The "Stuff needs tarrying by" tonight,
Oh Father, give me grace,
To tenderly, compassionately,
Wash each tired little face.
And just before they're tucked in bed,
To teach them Lord of Thee...
Remembering that it won't be long,
I have them 'round my knee.
There's clothes to fold, the floor to sweep,
And dishes to be done...
And in between to rock and soothe
My feverish little one.
Within my heart I long to be
Down where the anthems roll,
And hear the front-line soldier fight,
For each lost, Hell-bound soul.
I'll tarry by the stuff, Dear Lord,
For very love of Thee,
And hear the anthems, share the spoil
Thru all eternity.
These training days will soon be o'er,
And then with sharp salutes...
They'll all report for duty, Lord,
My young, strong, trained, recruits

I read the first quote on a blog I like to read: www.itakejoy.com
The poem was sent to me by a dear friend and colleague. I love both. They cover everything- from education to wiping noses. It is SO easy to overlook motherhood as a background part of life / not a "real job". Even I sometimes get caught up in the idea that what I am doing isn't "real work" or even real work for the kingdom. That is a great lie! I have these precious souls, entrusted especially to Chris and me, for such a short season. This is the season of my life where these little people, who are growing quickly into big people, need my energy and investment most. I have sadly struggled with seeing that as less important at times, feeling like I should be "doing more".

One day, as I was praying about what God expects of me, Titus 2 came to mind. "³Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good,⁴so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, ⁵to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. " So that His word is not dishonored. I honor HIM and His word when I love my family, I actually keep His word from being dishonored. Wow, I love that.

I also considered Psalm 127
³ Children are a heritage from the LORD,
offspring a reward from him.
⁴ Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.
⁵ Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their opponents in court.

And the quote from a letter Jim Elliot wrote to his mother as he prepared to leave:
"And what is a quiver full of but arrows? And what are arrows for but to shoot? So with the strong arm of prayer, draw the bowstring back and let the arrows fly – all of them straight at the Enemy’s hosts."

One day my children will fly and it is my job to love them well with the love God has given me.

Sweet J

More often than not Jaden is the one taking the pictures. So here is one of beautiful Jaden. She is modeling a cool pillowcase dress someone from America made. She wears it as a shirt and makes it look GOOD.

Here is a picture taken by Jaden this week:

EVIDENCE

Someone drank the last of a coke I had in the refrigerator. I was saving it for later. No one would confess. Later, while uploading pictures onto the computer I came across this....

I think we have the culprit.

gone fishin'

Some good friends (Max is in the pic) of ours took Chris and Gavin deep sea fishing a couple of days after Christmas. Gavin caught this tuna. It was delicious! Thanks Max and E!

'ata boy, Gavin!

kid pics

Zephan helping out with the laundry.


2 silly sisters

Snow! Glorious Snow!

We had a wonderful day of snow. We woke to a small blanket covering the ground. In the afternoon the white stuff really began to fall! What a fun blessing for everyone. The kids had some friends over and we had hot cocoa by the fire after they played in the snow for a while.

Haircuts!!!

Here are the girls sporting their new do's.

This is Melody. She is the one who cut the girls' hair. She is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside!
Thanks, Melody!

Emma was a little grumpy this morning. :(

Emma's Happy TuTu

...that is Zephan's way of saying, "Birthday"/ "Happy Birthday to you".

Hello Kitty Celebration at Nana and PawPaw's

Emma and Harris survey the cake.

Mermaid celebration with cake by Honey.

Celebrating with GranBud and Grammie, cousin Whitney and Aunt Chelle (not pictured) from Albania (you guys did fly all the way here to celebrate Emma's bday, right? :) )

Close up of the cake by Honey

I don't think we could eat another piece of birthday cake. Emma's birthday was wonderfully celebrated! What a girl. Emma is such a special girl. What a smile!
It is really wonderful to be your parents, Emma. We truly enjoy the journey parenting you. It is so fun to see who you are becoming. You have a kind heart and are always willing to share (one needs only to ask). We love you so so much!
Your Daddy and I pray that you come to know Jesus as your savior at an early age so that you can have lots of time to walk with Him and get to know Him. We also pray that you will have a hunger for His word. It is a source of joy, comfort, challenge, and connection with the incredible God who loves you!

Zephan is 2

September 27, 2006
Zephan Christopher joins the team

LOVIN' CAKE at his 1st Birthday!

Already 2! Honey made a CARS cake, of course. Zephan LOVES CARS. He was so excited.

This little guy has such a personality. He definitely doesn't mind being the center of attention and knows just how to get it. Sometimes when I put him to bed he holds me tight and pats me on the back before leaning back and telling me he's ready for bed. He plays hard and at the end of the day he is ready for his down time.

I am pretty sure he knows that everyone loves him. He uses this to his advantage!
What a joy to be the parents of this gift from God. We pray that we will be good stewards of this blessing. Zephan, we pray that you come to know the deep love of Jesus at an early age and that He radically transforms your life. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life! He is good!

Aunt Jodi and Uncle Jack help celebrate.

Zephan had seen a video of people singing the BDAY song to a little girl at her birthday party. He has been singing it for weeks and was delighted that everyone was now singing it to him!

Dog Days of Summer

This is my biker gang coming home after a trip to the pool. It has been a hot, dry summer (as our grass testifies). We are thankful for the pool.

HAPPY 4TH!!!

Poor little Emma has a fever today and so pictures outside hurt her wee eyes. What a sport.

We made Whole Wheat Flag Pancakes for breakfast.
We simply added blue sugar crystals and red tube icing and then flipped them to cook the second side. They were yummy and fun.
(notice the blue around Jaden's mouth)