Never Once

Never Once, a song by Matt Redman, came on and I fell apart.  It has been over a year since my family and I were stuck in the middle of the terrorist attack at Westage Shopping Mall in Nairobi, Kenya.  I thought that those kinds of tears were finished.  I have found that I still get weak/ weepy when I think about that day, but I had no idea that there was a breakdown left in me. 

I was driving back down the mountain after dropping my oldest son off at boarding school.  This is the second to last 3-month term before he graduates.  I am sure that had nothing to do with it ;) .  I was talking to God and listening to music when the song came on.  You have to understand the way God used certain songs to minister to me during the time following Westgate.  I had been introduced to Oceans by a college roommate just before and He strengthened me, showing me that HE called me out upon the waters, HE took me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith was made stronger in the presence of my Savior.  He used Take Heart to remind me to let His love lead me through the night, to hold on to Hope, and take courage again.  There are others, but Never Once He used to take me BACK to the scene, back to Westgate and remember that HE. WAS. THERE.

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

My family had been separated during the initial explosions and gunfire.  My husband and oldest son were on the level above my four younger children and I.  We were rounding the corner when the blasts started.  We were inches away from the gunmen’s entry point. We turned and ran to the opposite corner of the mall.  We ended up in a storage area, kneeling between pallets of flour and shelves of toilet paper.  We were stuck there for several hours, stuck listening to screams, gunfire, and explosions.  The fear was that we would be found.  The fear was not knowing what would happen if we were found. I have always had a vivid imagination and it was taking me places I didn’t want to go with my little ones.  We had also “collected” two boys who had been separated from their mother.  My heart ached for them and for their mother, whom they were unable to reach by phone.

We were kneeling on a battleground. 

During one of the lulls between shooting we VERY quietly began talking about how God had provided for us.  He had kept us together, He had provided people to help us along the way, He used store employees to pass out water to us, and we had been able to contact my husband by phone and knew they were ok.  I couldn’t believe we hadn’t been separated in that sea of people, there were 5 of us.  I couldn’t believe we didn’t get trampled; the panic of the crowd was palpable. I couldn’t believe none of us had been shot; the gunfire was RIGHT behind us.

We were looking at just how far we’d come, knowing that every victory was HIS power in us.

The whole time we were hiding there was NEVER a doubt that God was there.  He was the strong tower we ran to – the flour and toilet paper that provided our shelter.  Remembering that as I kneeled uncomfortably, I laughed to myself.  His presence was so very real, so very sure.  He was, and is, the friend that sticks closer than a brother. He is faithfully true to who He is.  He doesn’t change and He doesn’t lie.  I was able to rest in the truth of who HE is.  I knew that no matter what happened, He would be faithful, He would be there.

Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace

The days and weeks that followed the attack at Westgate were the kind of hard and wonderful that can only be explained by the presence of God walking through it with you.  The sweetness of that time is something I will always cherish.  God allowed me to see a part of Him in such a tangible way.  So, Westgate was a gift.  Would I ever WANT to do it again?  No!  Would I go there with Him again? … I humbly answer, “If He so led”.  God is gracious and He Himself is our peace.

In the year or so since Westgate there have been scars and struggles, but with joy my heart can say, “Never Once did we ever walk alone”.

So, back to the breakdown…

I am sad that I am still struggling over a year out.  Not all days are hard, but some sneak up and punch me in the gut when I’m not looking.  We ended up going back to the states for two months this summer for some counselling, which was SO helpful.  And I am back to meeting with a counselor now.  Westgate was traumatic but carrying the lie that I failed in healing has been worse. Every perceived failure since feels like another weight added.

I have a hard time accepting that “we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7.  It is hard to be so fragile.  I would SO rather have my stuff together.  So I will put one foot in front of the other and embrace the hard, the humbling, the broken parts of me, and trust Him with the healing. 

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

I found another one...

I found another blog I couldn't resist sharing. You can find it here.

I was introduced to Sally Clarkson through a dear friend and fellow homeschooling mom. Educating the Wholehearted Child by Clay and Sally Clarkson has been a major influence in our thoughts about educating our children. I attended a conference that the Clarksons put on for moms when I only had two wee ones at home and was truly blessed by the encouragement and refreshment I received. The message that especially stood out to me at the time was a word picture Mrs. Clarkson "drew" for us. She is a lover of tea and tea cups. She described (as I recall it) our lives as tea cups. We all have been given a different cup. My cup does not look like yours, or hers, or any one else's- it has been given especially to me. My "job" is to drink MY cup and to learn to be thankful for MY cup. I could get my mind around that one, it is forever filed away, to be pulled when needed.

Recently, I listened to the Wholehearted Mom's conference (2008) on CD. After listening to the cds I wanted to hear more! She touched on so many things the Lord has been teaching me in my life lately. I knew she had a blog out there somewhere so I searched. After reading a few choice entries and filling in what I heard on the conference cds I am processing the reality that my life will not fit in my box. I am an idealist. I have expectations for how things should happen. This is slightly unfortunate in that life rarely happens how we expect (especially when you live with people-haha). I am glad but occasionally alarmed that God is so much bigger than my box. I am learning to drink from the cup He has given me-I wish I was faster (at learning, that is). He is so very good (and patient!). So, take a gander at "I Take Joy". I hope it will be a source of encouragement for you.

offering

“Sometimes a task we have begun takes on seemingly crushing size, and we wonder what ever gave us the notion that we could accomplish it. There is no way out, no way around it, and yet we cannot contemplate actually carrying it through. The rearing of children or the writing of a book (and I would add, learning the Albanian language) are illustrations that come to mind. Let us recall that the task is a divinely appointed one, and divine aid is therefore to be expected. Expect it! Ask for it, wait for it, believe that God gives it. Offer to Him the job itself, along with your fears and misgivings about it. He will not fail or be discouraged. Let His courage encourage you. The day will come when the task will be finished. Trust Him for it. ~from Elisabeth Elliot's A Lamp Unto My Feet

‘For the Lord God will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded:

therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know that I shall not be

ashamed. (Is. 50:7 KJV)’”

My sweet sister in Christ (and by marriage), Chelle Stire, had this on her blog. What timing. We feel so overwhelmed right now with school, work, family, responsibilities, etc. Today I was thinking to myself, "HOW IN THE WORLD am I suppose to cook healthy meals, home school our children, be a frugal shopper, give my Lord my priority & best time, exercise to keep my body healthy, keep the house reasonably clean & managed, help my husband, be good mother, daughter, sister, and friend, etc. " I do have a point- I am not complaining, I genuinely wanted to know! This is about the time I read Chelle's blog. Who says we don't have a sovereign God? I know that my Redeemer lives and that He cares about me. He has made me wife to Chris, mother to five very precious people, and all of the other things I mentioned. Do I think He really gives these big jobs with no desire or ability to see them through? Raising children, for example, is a God-sized task!

As you can see, this is part of God's grace in showing me that I can't do all of this on my own (see previous post: Broken...). I need Him and He IS there! Chelle encouraged me in an email to not miss this time thinking about and preparing for the future. God is working here and now. I have said before that I believe that God is more interested in my relationship with Him than what I think I can do for Him. Sounds like He is giving me the opportunity to put this into practice.

May my life song sing to Him!

Rainy days

This picture reminded me of something I heard a few years ago..."Sit and wait on the front porch of your soul and meet with God." Well, this had to be done in a physical way today. The day just begged for it!

We have rain today. It is the beautiful, soft falling type. We lit the citronella candles, fixed some hot tea, gathered our coloring and reading books, chairs and blankets (did I forget anything?) and met on the porch for devotion and reading time. It was awesome! God's creation- His handiwork. The weather has cooled from the 93 degree days to a very pleasant 71 degrees.

We started In Grandma's Attic today. What great stories. I am really trying to let go of what is planned for days like today when a change of schedule is in order. My hope is that years from now my children will smell a smell or experience a rain like today and remember "that day on the porch" when we sang thank You, God, for rain... I hope that you too will seize the moment- they are so easy to let pass, aren't they?

I should disclose that the porch time was not without the usual distractions and little conflicts;) but it was a gift from God to me in my mothering journey.