Never Once

Never Once, a song by Matt Redman, came on and I fell apart.  It has been over a year since my family and I were stuck in the middle of the terrorist attack at Westage Shopping Mall in Nairobi, Kenya.  I thought that those kinds of tears were finished.  I have found that I still get weak/ weepy when I think about that day, but I had no idea that there was a breakdown left in me. 

I was driving back down the mountain after dropping my oldest son off at boarding school.  This is the second to last 3-month term before he graduates.  I am sure that had nothing to do with it ;) .  I was talking to God and listening to music when the song came on.  You have to understand the way God used certain songs to minister to me during the time following Westgate.  I had been introduced to Oceans by a college roommate just before and He strengthened me, showing me that HE called me out upon the waters, HE took me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith was made stronger in the presence of my Savior.  He used Take Heart to remind me to let His love lead me through the night, to hold on to Hope, and take courage again.  There are others, but Never Once He used to take me BACK to the scene, back to Westgate and remember that HE. WAS. THERE.

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

My family had been separated during the initial explosions and gunfire.  My husband and oldest son were on the level above my four younger children and I.  We were rounding the corner when the blasts started.  We were inches away from the gunmen’s entry point. We turned and ran to the opposite corner of the mall.  We ended up in a storage area, kneeling between pallets of flour and shelves of toilet paper.  We were stuck there for several hours, stuck listening to screams, gunfire, and explosions.  The fear was that we would be found.  The fear was not knowing what would happen if we were found. I have always had a vivid imagination and it was taking me places I didn’t want to go with my little ones.  We had also “collected” two boys who had been separated from their mother.  My heart ached for them and for their mother, whom they were unable to reach by phone.

We were kneeling on a battleground. 

During one of the lulls between shooting we VERY quietly began talking about how God had provided for us.  He had kept us together, He had provided people to help us along the way, He used store employees to pass out water to us, and we had been able to contact my husband by phone and knew they were ok.  I couldn’t believe we hadn’t been separated in that sea of people, there were 5 of us.  I couldn’t believe we didn’t get trampled; the panic of the crowd was palpable. I couldn’t believe none of us had been shot; the gunfire was RIGHT behind us.

We were looking at just how far we’d come, knowing that every victory was HIS power in us.

The whole time we were hiding there was NEVER a doubt that God was there.  He was the strong tower we ran to – the flour and toilet paper that provided our shelter.  Remembering that as I kneeled uncomfortably, I laughed to myself.  His presence was so very real, so very sure.  He was, and is, the friend that sticks closer than a brother. He is faithfully true to who He is.  He doesn’t change and He doesn’t lie.  I was able to rest in the truth of who HE is.  I knew that no matter what happened, He would be faithful, He would be there.

Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace

The days and weeks that followed the attack at Westgate were the kind of hard and wonderful that can only be explained by the presence of God walking through it with you.  The sweetness of that time is something I will always cherish.  God allowed me to see a part of Him in such a tangible way.  So, Westgate was a gift.  Would I ever WANT to do it again?  No!  Would I go there with Him again? … I humbly answer, “If He so led”.  God is gracious and He Himself is our peace.

In the year or so since Westgate there have been scars and struggles, but with joy my heart can say, “Never Once did we ever walk alone”.

So, back to the breakdown…

I am sad that I am still struggling over a year out.  Not all days are hard, but some sneak up and punch me in the gut when I’m not looking.  We ended up going back to the states for two months this summer for some counselling, which was SO helpful.  And I am back to meeting with a counselor now.  Westgate was traumatic but carrying the lie that I failed in healing has been worse. Every perceived failure since feels like another weight added.

I have a hard time accepting that “we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7.  It is hard to be so fragile.  I would SO rather have my stuff together.  So I will put one foot in front of the other and embrace the hard, the humbling, the broken parts of me, and trust Him with the healing. 

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Random news

YIKES! I guess you have realized that faithful blogging is not my strong suit. I am sorry. So, here is a bit of an update:

We are enjoying life in Nairobi but sensed the need for a break/ get away. The kids and I  traveled with Chris, the journeygirls on our team, and the students who went on the trip to the coast to pass out water filters and share their faith in April. We stayed with friends while the team went out. The kids had a fantastic time, we all did. We love it here, we know we are where we are suppose to be, but it was a good change of pace/ scenery.

One of my new jobs here in Nairobi is overseeing our education resource center on the compound. I have been able to help out homeschooling families in our company within our region as well as Kenyan homeschoolers! It has been a blessing and a joy. The job also comes with some stretching. Those who know me know I am not an administrator. It is a challenge to attend to the business side of the position. Please pray that I will have wisdom and strength. It has been exciting to see the growth in the homeschooling movement in Kenya. These parents are pioneers in their country. I am so thankful that we can help them in their journey.

Our visit stateside is coming up at the end of July. We will be in the states until the end of December. We will be doing quite a bit of traveling so I would ask that you pray that we will be refreshed in spite of all of the driving and sleeping in different beds ;) We are in the process of lining up our housing situation and transportation. I can't believe we will set foot on American soil in less than 4 months.

We have been enjoying front row seats at what God is doing here among students. Chris spoke to a young man a few weeks ago, sharing his testimony as well as how to experience new life in Christ. The guy couldn't wait to put his faith in Christ and insisted on praying that day. Afterward he said that he had to go tell his friends this wonderful news. Chris met with the guy and his friends to talk and answer questions about the Gospel. Long story short, after a couple of weeks or so, every one of the guys has counted the cost and chosen to follow Christ. The true joy is that they seem to be understanding that it isn't a religion they have joined, but a relationship. They are processing that their new faith isn't necessarily about what they do/ don't do, but what is in their hearts that matters.

Chris is meeting with the group of guys each week (most weeks they meet twice) so please pray for their roots to go deep, their foundation to be strong, and their love for and knowledge of Jesus to grow.

Also, one of the guys who went on the trip to the coast grew up in the "town" where we lived on the coast! He is from the people group we worked with! He and his parents are believers and he was able to go back to the area to tell about the change in his life to those who are very resistant to change. So cool.

In other news, we have been raising chickens. We have 50 layers who keep us and some friends in stock of eggs. We also raise broilers to eat. We slaughtered (what an awful word) our 98 chickens a few weeks ago.  I CANNOT believe I didn't get pictures. It was exhausting, but it is over and my freezer is stocked. Emma really enjoyed asking questions and helping in any way she was able. Zephan just wanted to keep a chicken head (gross).

The kids and I have been studying American History in preparation for our return to the states. I love homeschooling because I learn SO much that I just didn't really value when I was in school. Also, I am constantly reminded that the number one thing I can teach my children is to seek God first. I pray every day that they will love Him with all of their heart, soul, mind, and strength. We are doing a study right now using different stories from the Bible to show various character qualities.

Merry Christmas!

May the true Joy of Christmas be full in your hearts!

”If you wish to make an impact for one year, plant corn; if you wish to make an impact for a generation, plant a tree; if you wish to make an impact for eternity, educate a child.” anon

Tarrying by the Stuff (from 1 Samuel 30:24) by Lois Wilder Cowles

The "Stuff needs tarrying by" tonight,
Oh Father, give me grace,
To tenderly, compassionately,
Wash each tired little face.
And just before they're tucked in bed,
To teach them Lord of Thee...
Remembering that it won't be long,
I have them 'round my knee.
There's clothes to fold, the floor to sweep,
And dishes to be done...
And in between to rock and soothe
My feverish little one.
Within my heart I long to be
Down where the anthems roll,
And hear the front-line soldier fight,
For each lost, Hell-bound soul.
I'll tarry by the stuff, Dear Lord,
For very love of Thee,
And hear the anthems, share the spoil
Thru all eternity.
These training days will soon be o'er,
And then with sharp salutes...
They'll all report for duty, Lord,
My young, strong, trained, recruits

I read the first quote on a blog I like to read: www.itakejoy.com
The poem was sent to me by a dear friend and colleague. I love both. They cover everything- from education to wiping noses. It is SO easy to overlook motherhood as a background part of life / not a "real job". Even I sometimes get caught up in the idea that what I am doing isn't "real work" or even real work for the kingdom. That is a great lie! I have these precious souls, entrusted especially to Chris and me, for such a short season. This is the season of my life where these little people, who are growing quickly into big people, need my energy and investment most. I have sadly struggled with seeing that as less important at times, feeling like I should be "doing more".

One day, as I was praying about what God expects of me, Titus 2 came to mind. "³Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good,⁴so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, ⁵to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored. " So that His word is not dishonored. I honor HIM and His word when I love my family, I actually keep His word from being dishonored. Wow, I love that.

I also considered Psalm 127
³ Children are a heritage from the LORD,
offspring a reward from him.
⁴ Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one’s youth.
⁵ Blessed is the man
whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
when they contend with their opponents in court.

And the quote from a letter Jim Elliot wrote to his mother as he prepared to leave:
"And what is a quiver full of but arrows? And what are arrows for but to shoot? So with the strong arm of prayer, draw the bowstring back and let the arrows fly – all of them straight at the Enemy’s hosts."

One day my children will fly and it is my job to love them well with the love God has given me.

Back to blogspot

Currently, we are in a city with good internet and no access to our other blog. So here we are again!

For those who do not know, we have been in Nairobi for the past...5 weeks...wow. It has been an interesting journey. Chris had to be hospitalized with his pancreatitis again. Since we thought we had solved this by having his gall bladder removed we are on the hunt again. His doctor is looking for the cause and trying to determine if this is still acute recurrent or chronic pancreatitis. Since he doesn't drink alcohol and doesn't have a gall bladder anymore we can rule those two out. He has been tested for just about everything else too. We are waiting to get his triglycerides into a normal range and see what happens. I really don't know how much to share. We are in the thick of it and all of the medical terms swim in my head, but do you really need to hear anything but that we are waiting on some tests?

The kiddos are enjoying seeing friends and the cooler weather. We have resumed schooling which helps with the "limbo-ness" of our situation. Right now we are building a replica of a Roman villa. Jaden is LOVING walking around taking pictures and exploring her artistic side. Flowers/ nature are her favorite subjects


This is only ONE of hundreds she has taken. I just love the exploration of perspective!

I keep telling people that God is giving us a chance to practice "waiting". Over and over in His word we read that we should wait on Him. I am not very good at this. I really feel so much more in control, I mean better, if I can at least make up a schedule of what I think should be going on in our lives. I am good at making lists, schedules, plans, etc. I didn't say I am good at the follow through, just excellent at the planning. But God is telling me to give Him tomorrow, live here, today with Him. Do you know how thankful I am? It is really hard and sometimes painful, but I am so glad that He is giving me the opportunity to practice this very important part of my relationship with Him...waiting, trusting. I have been praying for years that I would learn to BE WHERE I AM, not mulling over the past, not planning, fretting, or trying to figure out the future, just where I am, in that moment. He is so good.

Visiting Nana and Pawpaw in Amherst

My parents (Chris's) recently moved to Amherst, New York. On a recent visit we were able to visit both the American and Canadian sides of the Falls.





This my parents back yard. They get nightly visits from about 5 to 10 deer. Very cool.

DISNEYWORLD!

Vero Beach

Gavin giving Zephan a lift.

We were able to spend about 3 weeks in Vero Beach with my (Jamie's) grandmother and extended family. We had a great time and made many good memories!

the beach

jellyfish

Our Vero Beach Abode

Christmas with Honey and Aunt Jodi

We were so glad Honey and Jodi came down. We had so much fun with them-
lots of good memories!

Our Christmas tree.

Watching White Christmas~a family tradition!
"Sisters, sisters, there were never such devoted sisters..."

Jodi and Jack are expecting their first baby in March.

Opening gifts.

At GrandBud and Grammie Elaine's

Uncle Jack and Aunt Jodi cuddle everyone on the couch.

Some dancing!

Gavin reading a good book.

A most delicious spread!
We had a great time with GrandBud and Grammie. We made Gingerbread men ( a family tradition), played in the yard, enjoyed family and some wonderful food. Thanks for some great memories!

Some highlights from PawPaw and Nana's house

Gavin and Nana (and some yummy pumpkin pie)

Chris cooked an amazing meal.

PawPaw and Avery take care of the leftovers

I found Emma and Harrison eating our gingerbread house! Little stinkers-even Avery got in on the fun.

Nana, baby Lockett, and Jaden enjoying some cuddle time.

Long time, no blog

It has been a while since I have blogged and I have lost my camera! Sorry for the tardiness.
In honor of the hiatus, here are a few random pictures from the past two months (don't get your hopes up-there aren't many).

Me and my man! We don't get too many of these (pics of the two of us) so I had to mark the occasion. Chris is almost done with his classes and we are SO enjoying having him around more now that he isn't working nights.

This is Sam. Sam is a special person to us, especially Jaden. This girl is blessed with wonderful musical talent and a love for God...good combination! We are thankful for Sam's influence in Jaden's life.

This picture is from a visit with a long time friend and her kiddos. Gavin and her oldest are 12 hours apart in age! We sure love them and are grateful for the time we had that day. (sorry, the lens was dirty-I am SUCH the photographer)

Well, I know it isn't much but there it is.

We are enjoying our transition time. We have been able to visit with friends we haven't seen in a while. Right now we are enjoying some time at GranBud and Grammie's. We spent Thanksgiving with friends and family at PawPaw and Nana's. Chris cooked and made the most wonderful food. I wish you could have been there. I will post pics and the menu later.

Tonight we are going to get our Christmas tree! I love the hunt for the tree. Watching the kiddos wander around with eyes wide, searching for the perfect tree, is one of the highlights of the season. We will crate our belongings right before Christmas so the decoration situation will have to be negotiated.

We are in the process of sorting through our earthly possessions- deciding what we will take with us and what will stay. What an undertaking! It is actually pretty liberating. "Stuff" isn't as high on the priority ladder and that feels great.

The leaves are beautiful this year and I am taking lots of mental pictures. I don't imagine there will be many seasonal changes where we are headed. ;) We are so excited and can't believe that the time is getting so close.

Emma's Happy TuTu

...that is Zephan's way of saying, "Birthday"/ "Happy Birthday to you".

Hello Kitty Celebration at Nana and PawPaw's

Emma and Harris survey the cake.

Mermaid celebration with cake by Honey.

Celebrating with GranBud and Grammie, cousin Whitney and Aunt Chelle (not pictured) from Albania (you guys did fly all the way here to celebrate Emma's bday, right? :) )

Close up of the cake by Honey

I don't think we could eat another piece of birthday cake. Emma's birthday was wonderfully celebrated! What a girl. Emma is such a special girl. What a smile!
It is really wonderful to be your parents, Emma. We truly enjoy the journey parenting you. It is so fun to see who you are becoming. You have a kind heart and are always willing to share (one needs only to ask). We love you so so much!
Your Daddy and I pray that you come to know Jesus as your savior at an early age so that you can have lots of time to walk with Him and get to know Him. We also pray that you will have a hunger for His word. It is a source of joy, comfort, challenge, and connection with the incredible God who loves you!

Zephan is 2

September 27, 2006
Zephan Christopher joins the team

LOVIN' CAKE at his 1st Birthday!

Already 2! Honey made a CARS cake, of course. Zephan LOVES CARS. He was so excited.

This little guy has such a personality. He definitely doesn't mind being the center of attention and knows just how to get it. Sometimes when I put him to bed he holds me tight and pats me on the back before leaning back and telling me he's ready for bed. He plays hard and at the end of the day he is ready for his down time.

I am pretty sure he knows that everyone loves him. He uses this to his advantage!
What a joy to be the parents of this gift from God. We pray that we will be good stewards of this blessing. Zephan, we pray that you come to know the deep love of Jesus at an early age and that He radically transforms your life. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life! He is good!

Aunt Jodi and Uncle Jack help celebrate.