Leaping Over Walls

 "For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness.
For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. "  Psalm 18:29

I have been thinking a lot recently about something I read last summer about anxiety:

Anxiety is a part of our lives, but we don't have to let it keep us living in a prison of fear or retreating in shame.  We have the opportunity to look it square in the face and allow God to use it to transform our lives.
Rhett Smith, the Anxious Christian, p. 33

I imagine anxiety like a wall.  I find myself bumping up against that wall more often than I care to admit.  I also imagine that the wall/ anxiety is an opportunity.  I am learning to check in with myself and identify what that wall is representing in my life, or what it is bringing up/ out in me.  Once identified I can speak truth into the situation.  As silly as it may sound, I literally say to myself, "Ok, this is what is going on and here is what God says about me, my situation, and who HE is in this."

I see that God is with me facing that wall, waiting for me on the other side of that wall, and walking THROUGH that wall with me.  God indeed lightens my darkness.  He is walking through (or leaping over) walls with me!  
(And giving me second chances when I don't make it the first time...or second...)

Never Once

Never Once, a song by Matt Redman, came on and I fell apart.  It has been over a year since my family and I were stuck in the middle of the terrorist attack at Westage Shopping Mall in Nairobi, Kenya.  I thought that those kinds of tears were finished.  I have found that I still get weak/ weepy when I think about that day, but I had no idea that there was a breakdown left in me. 

I was driving back down the mountain after dropping my oldest son off at boarding school.  This is the second to last 3-month term before he graduates.  I am sure that had nothing to do with it ;) .  I was talking to God and listening to music when the song came on.  You have to understand the way God used certain songs to minister to me during the time following Westgate.  I had been introduced to Oceans by a college roommate just before and He strengthened me, showing me that HE called me out upon the waters, HE took me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith was made stronger in the presence of my Savior.  He used Take Heart to remind me to let His love lead me through the night, to hold on to Hope, and take courage again.  There are others, but Never Once He used to take me BACK to the scene, back to Westgate and remember that HE. WAS. THERE.

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

My family had been separated during the initial explosions and gunfire.  My husband and oldest son were on the level above my four younger children and I.  We were rounding the corner when the blasts started.  We were inches away from the gunmen’s entry point. We turned and ran to the opposite corner of the mall.  We ended up in a storage area, kneeling between pallets of flour and shelves of toilet paper.  We were stuck there for several hours, stuck listening to screams, gunfire, and explosions.  The fear was that we would be found.  The fear was not knowing what would happen if we were found. I have always had a vivid imagination and it was taking me places I didn’t want to go with my little ones.  We had also “collected” two boys who had been separated from their mother.  My heart ached for them and for their mother, whom they were unable to reach by phone.

We were kneeling on a battleground. 

During one of the lulls between shooting we VERY quietly began talking about how God had provided for us.  He had kept us together, He had provided people to help us along the way, He used store employees to pass out water to us, and we had been able to contact my husband by phone and knew they were ok.  I couldn’t believe we hadn’t been separated in that sea of people, there were 5 of us.  I couldn’t believe we didn’t get trampled; the panic of the crowd was palpable. I couldn’t believe none of us had been shot; the gunfire was RIGHT behind us.

We were looking at just how far we’d come, knowing that every victory was HIS power in us.

The whole time we were hiding there was NEVER a doubt that God was there.  He was the strong tower we ran to – the flour and toilet paper that provided our shelter.  Remembering that as I kneeled uncomfortably, I laughed to myself.  His presence was so very real, so very sure.  He was, and is, the friend that sticks closer than a brother. He is faithfully true to who He is.  He doesn’t change and He doesn’t lie.  I was able to rest in the truth of who HE is.  I knew that no matter what happened, He would be faithful, He would be there.

Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace

The days and weeks that followed the attack at Westgate were the kind of hard and wonderful that can only be explained by the presence of God walking through it with you.  The sweetness of that time is something I will always cherish.  God allowed me to see a part of Him in such a tangible way.  So, Westgate was a gift.  Would I ever WANT to do it again?  No!  Would I go there with Him again? … I humbly answer, “If He so led”.  God is gracious and He Himself is our peace.

In the year or so since Westgate there have been scars and struggles, but with joy my heart can say, “Never Once did we ever walk alone”.

So, back to the breakdown…

I am sad that I am still struggling over a year out.  Not all days are hard, but some sneak up and punch me in the gut when I’m not looking.  We ended up going back to the states for two months this summer for some counselling, which was SO helpful.  And I am back to meeting with a counselor now.  Westgate was traumatic but carrying the lie that I failed in healing has been worse. Every perceived failure since feels like another weight added.

I have a hard time accepting that “we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7.  It is hard to be so fragile.  I would SO rather have my stuff together.  So I will put one foot in front of the other and embrace the hard, the humbling, the broken parts of me, and trust Him with the healing. 

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

what's up

We just made a whirlwind trip to the coast to pick up a few things (including a few packages-woohoo) to make the next 6 weeks in Nairobi feel a bit more homey. We got in the car (too) early Tuesday morning, drove about 8 1/2 hours, met with friends, met with the veterinarian, bought supplies for the house, met with a man about his goats (more on that later), picked up packages and waited patiently (kind of) until we reached the house to open them, gathered needed items (including the next 6 weeks of school books -don't know if you know this about us but we have a lot of books), dropped off one of our dogs at a friend's place so our friend can fatten him up (the dog), slept a bit, loaded the car on Thursday and left at a time I am usually not awake to make the 8 1/2 hour trip home. WHEW. I learned that I am not as young as I use to be. I am dog tired (what does that even mean?) It was great to get home and see friends and pick up some things.

It was so hot on the coast. We have essentially missed the really hot part of the hot season this year. I guess if you are going to be away from home for multiple months that is the time to do it!

We continue to have peace about where we are. The doctor is keeping us here to find a balance in Chris's meds. He needs one med to keep his triglycerides down but that med causes painful gastritis, so we are trying a gentler drug. During my times alone with God in His word He has been reminding me of His "faithful love". We are trusting Him for the future and resting in that faithful love.

Back to blogspot

Currently, we are in a city with good internet and no access to our other blog. So here we are again!

For those who do not know, we have been in Nairobi for the past...5 weeks...wow. It has been an interesting journey. Chris had to be hospitalized with his pancreatitis again. Since we thought we had solved this by having his gall bladder removed we are on the hunt again. His doctor is looking for the cause and trying to determine if this is still acute recurrent or chronic pancreatitis. Since he doesn't drink alcohol and doesn't have a gall bladder anymore we can rule those two out. He has been tested for just about everything else too. We are waiting to get his triglycerides into a normal range and see what happens. I really don't know how much to share. We are in the thick of it and all of the medical terms swim in my head, but do you really need to hear anything but that we are waiting on some tests?

The kiddos are enjoying seeing friends and the cooler weather. We have resumed schooling which helps with the "limbo-ness" of our situation. Right now we are building a replica of a Roman villa. Jaden is LOVING walking around taking pictures and exploring her artistic side. Flowers/ nature are her favorite subjects


This is only ONE of hundreds she has taken. I just love the exploration of perspective!

I keep telling people that God is giving us a chance to practice "waiting". Over and over in His word we read that we should wait on Him. I am not very good at this. I really feel so much more in control, I mean better, if I can at least make up a schedule of what I think should be going on in our lives. I am good at making lists, schedules, plans, etc. I didn't say I am good at the follow through, just excellent at the planning. But God is telling me to give Him tomorrow, live here, today with Him. Do you know how thankful I am? It is really hard and sometimes painful, but I am so glad that He is giving me the opportunity to practice this very important part of my relationship with Him...waiting, trusting. I have been praying for years that I would learn to BE WHERE I AM, not mulling over the past, not planning, fretting, or trying to figure out the future, just where I am, in that moment. He is so good.