Leaping Over Walls

 "For it is you who light my lamp; the LORD my God lightens my darkness.
For by you I can run against a troop, and by my God I can leap over a wall. "  Psalm 18:29

I have been thinking a lot recently about something I read last summer about anxiety:

Anxiety is a part of our lives, but we don't have to let it keep us living in a prison of fear or retreating in shame.  We have the opportunity to look it square in the face and allow God to use it to transform our lives.
Rhett Smith, the Anxious Christian, p. 33

I imagine anxiety like a wall.  I find myself bumping up against that wall more often than I care to admit.  I also imagine that the wall/ anxiety is an opportunity.  I am learning to check in with myself and identify what that wall is representing in my life, or what it is bringing up/ out in me.  Once identified I can speak truth into the situation.  As silly as it may sound, I literally say to myself, "Ok, this is what is going on and here is what God says about me, my situation, and who HE is in this."

I see that God is with me facing that wall, waiting for me on the other side of that wall, and walking THROUGH that wall with me.  God indeed lightens my darkness.  He is walking through (or leaping over) walls with me!  
(And giving me second chances when I don't make it the first time...or second...)

Never Once

Never Once, a song by Matt Redman, came on and I fell apart.  It has been over a year since my family and I were stuck in the middle of the terrorist attack at Westage Shopping Mall in Nairobi, Kenya.  I thought that those kinds of tears were finished.  I have found that I still get weak/ weepy when I think about that day, but I had no idea that there was a breakdown left in me. 

I was driving back down the mountain after dropping my oldest son off at boarding school.  This is the second to last 3-month term before he graduates.  I am sure that had nothing to do with it ;) .  I was talking to God and listening to music when the song came on.  You have to understand the way God used certain songs to minister to me during the time following Westgate.  I had been introduced to Oceans by a college roommate just before and He strengthened me, showing me that HE called me out upon the waters, HE took me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith was made stronger in the presence of my Savior.  He used Take Heart to remind me to let His love lead me through the night, to hold on to Hope, and take courage again.  There are others, but Never Once He used to take me BACK to the scene, back to Westgate and remember that HE. WAS. THERE.

Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

My family had been separated during the initial explosions and gunfire.  My husband and oldest son were on the level above my four younger children and I.  We were rounding the corner when the blasts started.  We were inches away from the gunmen’s entry point. We turned and ran to the opposite corner of the mall.  We ended up in a storage area, kneeling between pallets of flour and shelves of toilet paper.  We were stuck there for several hours, stuck listening to screams, gunfire, and explosions.  The fear was that we would be found.  The fear was not knowing what would happen if we were found. I have always had a vivid imagination and it was taking me places I didn’t want to go with my little ones.  We had also “collected” two boys who had been separated from their mother.  My heart ached for them and for their mother, whom they were unable to reach by phone.

We were kneeling on a battleground. 

During one of the lulls between shooting we VERY quietly began talking about how God had provided for us.  He had kept us together, He had provided people to help us along the way, He used store employees to pass out water to us, and we had been able to contact my husband by phone and knew they were ok.  I couldn’t believe we hadn’t been separated in that sea of people, there were 5 of us.  I couldn’t believe we didn’t get trampled; the panic of the crowd was palpable. I couldn’t believe none of us had been shot; the gunfire was RIGHT behind us.

We were looking at just how far we’d come, knowing that every victory was HIS power in us.

The whole time we were hiding there was NEVER a doubt that God was there.  He was the strong tower we ran to – the flour and toilet paper that provided our shelter.  Remembering that as I kneeled uncomfortably, I laughed to myself.  His presence was so very real, so very sure.  He was, and is, the friend that sticks closer than a brother. He is faithfully true to who He is.  He doesn’t change and He doesn’t lie.  I was able to rest in the truth of who HE is.  I knew that no matter what happened, He would be faithful, He would be there.

Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace

The days and weeks that followed the attack at Westgate were the kind of hard and wonderful that can only be explained by the presence of God walking through it with you.  The sweetness of that time is something I will always cherish.  God allowed me to see a part of Him in such a tangible way.  So, Westgate was a gift.  Would I ever WANT to do it again?  No!  Would I go there with Him again? … I humbly answer, “If He so led”.  God is gracious and He Himself is our peace.

In the year or so since Westgate there have been scars and struggles, but with joy my heart can say, “Never Once did we ever walk alone”.

So, back to the breakdown…

I am sad that I am still struggling over a year out.  Not all days are hard, but some sneak up and punch me in the gut when I’m not looking.  We ended up going back to the states for two months this summer for some counselling, which was SO helpful.  And I am back to meeting with a counselor now.  Westgate was traumatic but carrying the lie that I failed in healing has been worse. Every perceived failure since feels like another weight added.

I have a hard time accepting that “we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7.  It is hard to be so fragile.  I would SO rather have my stuff together.  So I will put one foot in front of the other and embrace the hard, the humbling, the broken parts of me, and trust Him with the healing. 

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Random news

YIKES! I guess you have realized that faithful blogging is not my strong suit. I am sorry. So, here is a bit of an update:

We are enjoying life in Nairobi but sensed the need for a break/ get away. The kids and I  traveled with Chris, the journeygirls on our team, and the students who went on the trip to the coast to pass out water filters and share their faith in April. We stayed with friends while the team went out. The kids had a fantastic time, we all did. We love it here, we know we are where we are suppose to be, but it was a good change of pace/ scenery.

One of my new jobs here in Nairobi is overseeing our education resource center on the compound. I have been able to help out homeschooling families in our company within our region as well as Kenyan homeschoolers! It has been a blessing and a joy. The job also comes with some stretching. Those who know me know I am not an administrator. It is a challenge to attend to the business side of the position. Please pray that I will have wisdom and strength. It has been exciting to see the growth in the homeschooling movement in Kenya. These parents are pioneers in their country. I am so thankful that we can help them in their journey.

Our visit stateside is coming up at the end of July. We will be in the states until the end of December. We will be doing quite a bit of traveling so I would ask that you pray that we will be refreshed in spite of all of the driving and sleeping in different beds ;) We are in the process of lining up our housing situation and transportation. I can't believe we will set foot on American soil in less than 4 months.

We have been enjoying front row seats at what God is doing here among students. Chris spoke to a young man a few weeks ago, sharing his testimony as well as how to experience new life in Christ. The guy couldn't wait to put his faith in Christ and insisted on praying that day. Afterward he said that he had to go tell his friends this wonderful news. Chris met with the guy and his friends to talk and answer questions about the Gospel. Long story short, after a couple of weeks or so, every one of the guys has counted the cost and chosen to follow Christ. The true joy is that they seem to be understanding that it isn't a religion they have joined, but a relationship. They are processing that their new faith isn't necessarily about what they do/ don't do, but what is in their hearts that matters.

Chris is meeting with the group of guys each week (most weeks they meet twice) so please pray for their roots to go deep, their foundation to be strong, and their love for and knowledge of Jesus to grow.

Also, one of the guys who went on the trip to the coast grew up in the "town" where we lived on the coast! He is from the people group we worked with! He and his parents are believers and he was able to go back to the area to tell about the change in his life to those who are very resistant to change. So cool.

In other news, we have been raising chickens. We have 50 layers who keep us and some friends in stock of eggs. We also raise broilers to eat. We slaughtered (what an awful word) our 98 chickens a few weeks ago.  I CANNOT believe I didn't get pictures. It was exhausting, but it is over and my freezer is stocked. Emma really enjoyed asking questions and helping in any way she was able. Zephan just wanted to keep a chicken head (gross).

The kids and I have been studying American History in preparation for our return to the states. I love homeschooling because I learn SO much that I just didn't really value when I was in school. Also, I am constantly reminded that the number one thing I can teach my children is to seek God first. I pray every day that they will love Him with all of their heart, soul, mind, and strength. We are doing a study right now using different stories from the Bible to show various character qualities.

what's up

We just made a whirlwind trip to the coast to pick up a few things (including a few packages-woohoo) to make the next 6 weeks in Nairobi feel a bit more homey. We got in the car (too) early Tuesday morning, drove about 8 1/2 hours, met with friends, met with the veterinarian, bought supplies for the house, met with a man about his goats (more on that later), picked up packages and waited patiently (kind of) until we reached the house to open them, gathered needed items (including the next 6 weeks of school books -don't know if you know this about us but we have a lot of books), dropped off one of our dogs at a friend's place so our friend can fatten him up (the dog), slept a bit, loaded the car on Thursday and left at a time I am usually not awake to make the 8 1/2 hour trip home. WHEW. I learned that I am not as young as I use to be. I am dog tired (what does that even mean?) It was great to get home and see friends and pick up some things.

It was so hot on the coast. We have essentially missed the really hot part of the hot season this year. I guess if you are going to be away from home for multiple months that is the time to do it!

We continue to have peace about where we are. The doctor is keeping us here to find a balance in Chris's meds. He needs one med to keep his triglycerides down but that med causes painful gastritis, so we are trying a gentler drug. During my times alone with God in His word He has been reminding me of His "faithful love". We are trusting Him for the future and resting in that faithful love.

I found another one...

I found another blog I couldn't resist sharing. You can find it here.

I was introduced to Sally Clarkson through a dear friend and fellow homeschooling mom. Educating the Wholehearted Child by Clay and Sally Clarkson has been a major influence in our thoughts about educating our children. I attended a conference that the Clarksons put on for moms when I only had two wee ones at home and was truly blessed by the encouragement and refreshment I received. The message that especially stood out to me at the time was a word picture Mrs. Clarkson "drew" for us. She is a lover of tea and tea cups. She described (as I recall it) our lives as tea cups. We all have been given a different cup. My cup does not look like yours, or hers, or any one else's- it has been given especially to me. My "job" is to drink MY cup and to learn to be thankful for MY cup. I could get my mind around that one, it is forever filed away, to be pulled when needed.

Recently, I listened to the Wholehearted Mom's conference (2008) on CD. After listening to the cds I wanted to hear more! She touched on so many things the Lord has been teaching me in my life lately. I knew she had a blog out there somewhere so I searched. After reading a few choice entries and filling in what I heard on the conference cds I am processing the reality that my life will not fit in my box. I am an idealist. I have expectations for how things should happen. This is slightly unfortunate in that life rarely happens how we expect (especially when you live with people-haha). I am glad but occasionally alarmed that God is so much bigger than my box. I am learning to drink from the cup He has given me-I wish I was faster (at learning, that is). He is so very good (and patient!). So, take a gander at "I Take Joy". I hope it will be a source of encouragement for you.

offering

“Sometimes a task we have begun takes on seemingly crushing size, and we wonder what ever gave us the notion that we could accomplish it. There is no way out, no way around it, and yet we cannot contemplate actually carrying it through. The rearing of children or the writing of a book (and I would add, learning the Albanian language) are illustrations that come to mind. Let us recall that the task is a divinely appointed one, and divine aid is therefore to be expected. Expect it! Ask for it, wait for it, believe that God gives it. Offer to Him the job itself, along with your fears and misgivings about it. He will not fail or be discouraged. Let His courage encourage you. The day will come when the task will be finished. Trust Him for it. ~from Elisabeth Elliot's A Lamp Unto My Feet

‘For the Lord God will help me; therefore shall I not be confounded:

therefore have I set my face like flint, and I know that I shall not be

ashamed. (Is. 50:7 KJV)’”

My sweet sister in Christ (and by marriage), Chelle Stire, had this on her blog. What timing. We feel so overwhelmed right now with school, work, family, responsibilities, etc. Today I was thinking to myself, "HOW IN THE WORLD am I suppose to cook healthy meals, home school our children, be a frugal shopper, give my Lord my priority & best time, exercise to keep my body healthy, keep the house reasonably clean & managed, help my husband, be good mother, daughter, sister, and friend, etc. " I do have a point- I am not complaining, I genuinely wanted to know! This is about the time I read Chelle's blog. Who says we don't have a sovereign God? I know that my Redeemer lives and that He cares about me. He has made me wife to Chris, mother to five very precious people, and all of the other things I mentioned. Do I think He really gives these big jobs with no desire or ability to see them through? Raising children, for example, is a God-sized task!

As you can see, this is part of God's grace in showing me that I can't do all of this on my own (see previous post: Broken...). I need Him and He IS there! Chelle encouraged me in an email to not miss this time thinking about and preparing for the future. God is working here and now. I have said before that I believe that God is more interested in my relationship with Him than what I think I can do for Him. Sounds like He is giving me the opportunity to put this into practice.

May my life song sing to Him!

REST

The Sabbath was made for man and not man for the Sabbath.

Luke 2:27

We need rest, God cares for us and so tells us (commands us, see 10 Commandments) to rest.  Thanks, God!

Broken...Open Up Your Skies

In the night I wait for You to rescue me

From these empty things that leave me thirsting.

Still my heart is only Yours and this ache is my heart's cry-

Let my hands reach out and touch more than the sky

And I know that there are hidden rooms

And I struggle with unsearchable truths

And I know there's a limit to man

Yes, I'm a limited man

Limited as I may be, I find my solace in a tree

I find You there with pierced and broken hands

So open up Your skies, let these rains fall down

On these fields so dry, on this barren ground.

Ashamed I hide and hope that You won't see

And keep Your knowing gaze far from me

I'm a broken offering, overwhelmed with all this pain

Yet I lay myself before You all the same

Bruised and scarred as I may be

I find my solace in a tree

I find You there, with pierced and broken hands

So open up Your skies, let these rains fall down

On these fields so dry, on this barren ground

I was made for this

Your embrace and kiss

To hold the hand and know the heart of God

I was made with this

Broken, emptiness

How did I live before I knew Your touch?

Open up Your skies, let these rains fall down

On these fields so dry, on this barren ground

In the night I wait for You to rescue me

From all these empty things that leave me thirsting.

~from Come Like the Fall by Tim Suel

This seems to be something God wants me to get my mind around. He has been teaching me that we are all broken. There is not one of us that has it all together (as much as I'd like that). We all need Him. We need Jesus. His word (the Bible) is not a book of do's and don'ts from a taskmaster. His word is LIFE. I love the lines I bolded. I was made for Him. He lets (and wants) me to know Him.

I was reading today from a study I am doing by Henry & Richard Blackaby (When God Speaks) that, "If you found yourself in a war-torn country and had to pass through a minefield to return to safety, your life would be in enormous peril. ONe wrong step would have disastrous consequences! If a soldier approached you while you stood in the middle of the minefield and handed you a map marking the location of the mines, those instructions would immediately become the most important information in your life. The rules you had to follow would not discourage you. So God's Word, when followed and implemented, brings you out of death into full and abundant life."

I am broken. I need Him. Oh my goodness, I am so thankful for Jesus. He is my constant friend, the Holy Spirit teaches and comforts me. God's word is alive and active, sometimes it hurts, sometimes I do not like what it reveals in me, but it is LIFE. He uses His word to show me His GREAT love for this broken child...His plan for this proud daughter...praise God, He is not done with me!!!!

my grandfather

Frederick Eithel Baker, Jr.
July 21, 1921-January 26, 2008

I am so thankful for the time with my grandfather. I am also thankful for the time with my family as we gathered to celebrate his life. My grandfather knew Jesus as his Savior and so is now in heaven experiencing joy we can't comprehend. He had been in so much pain and now he is free from that! He is worshiping and fellowshipping with God!! Wow.
My grandparents were married for 64 years and I am so very thankful for their legacy. Grandpa called my grandmother "my girl" up until the time of his death. He deeply loved her and we knew it. They were each other's~gifts from the heavenly Father. They weathered the storms of life and celebrated the good times together. They built a family together. They served the Lord and His church together. They traveled together. They even worked together.
There are so many precious memories of times with them in my mind. We had a lot of good times. Family meant a lot to Grandpa. A good name meant a lot to him. In his obituary we read that he was proud that a handshake was what he worked with. He meant what he said. At his funeral we learned that the Ark and other portions of the Bible dealing with building were especially meaningful to him. He was a builder. God's word is living and active and spoke to my grandfather's heart. He appreciated that Jesus is the foundation upon which we must build. He is the cornerstone.
My grandfather was ready for death. He knew whom He had believed-Jesus, Savior of all who receive Him; the Way, the Truth, the Life. He believed that no one comes to the Father except through Jesus. I believe this with my whole heart too. This is where my hope, my purpose, and my joy come from.
My grandparents took me to church, Sunday school, & Vacation Bible School when we stayed with them because they knew that our spiritual foundation must be laid in the truth of God's word. I am so thankful.
They took us to the beach, fishing, swimming, camping, to Disney World, and many other places. They made time for us and for our family to get together.

Grandpa had a poem in his Bible titled "I'm Free". Here is an excerpt:
Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me
I took his hand when I heard Him call
I turned my back and left it all...
I wish you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much.
Good friends, good times, a loved one's touch.
Perhaps my time seemed all to brief;
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your heart and share with me
God wanted me now, He set me free.


After Grandpa's funeral, we were driving around when the following song came on the radio. God is so good!

In Christ alone, my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

Saying Goodbye

God (and Mom) gave me a special gift. I was able to fly to Florida in January with my mom and Zephan to visit my grandparents and family.
I can't express what this trip meant to me. My spirit was refreshed with hours of time alone with my heavenly Father, Mom and I sweetly walked down memory lane many times, I had wonderful visits with my extended family, Zephan slept like a rock-I think it was all of the individual attention, and I was able to say "good bye" to my grandfather. I was able to tell him "thank you" for teaching me and taking me to swim and fish. I was able to look into his eyes and tell him I love him.
What a gift!

Zephan was playing a tickle game with Grandma Baker. They were so funny. He thought he was getting her good...maybe he was.

Zephan really wasn't sure about the sandy beach but he sure wanted to get those birds! By the way...the water was COLD!

Every Baker/Lovell/Suel has to have their picture taken on the Humiston Dolphin. IT IS TRADITION!

passionate ramblings

I want to be passionate-about Jesus, about my family, about life. It is so easy to just stay in the mundane. We have just finished a sermon series at our church called "Living Life on the Mount, Less in the Valley". I think this is a desire for everyone. When I think of living life like this I picture standing on top of a lush green mountain, a large blue sky, my arms wide open, head tilted back, and the sense of the fullness of the presence of God. Of course, I have few moments totally alone or on anything higher than an overpass. But, I do have times where my in my heart I am praising God on that scenic mount.
I am waiting on God right now. As I have been waiting I have sensed Him reminding me that it is not necessarily the end destination He is concerned with but my heart as I travel. I sense Him telling me to seek the Blesser rather than the blessing (quote from a sermon I heard this year). Oh, I want that! I want to want God more than I want from Him (sounds confusing). He wants me! He wants my heart, my trust, my love. He is so worthy of it.
One of my greatest desires is that my children see me loving Jesus and want a relationship with Him too. I pray that my own sin and failures will not be a stumbling block but that as God molds me and His strength is made perfect in my weakness they will see HIS power at work in me.
I have been reading Passionate Housewives Desperate for God. I have read a lot of books on family/ being a wife and mother and this one is the one God is using to speak to the depths of my heart. It is my humble opinion that because we are all different what turns one woman's world upside down might not be the kicker for another woman. Not that I haven't learned from, been greatly challenged by, and been encouraged by so many great books but this one is grabbing me! As I read I truly am drawn to being desperate for God. I sense such great freedom even as I am realizing that I can never do this job. I am simply not good enough to do the job that needs to be done. BUT He is. He is my Resting Place, my Refresher, my Strong Supporter, my Redeemer-Praise God!!! Now to walk in this grace. Such a worldly paradox- I gain my freedom by obeying. Not just obeying anyone- obeying the One who loves me perfectly, who securely sets my feet upon the rock, protects me, knows all, the Creator and Sustainer of all.
Thanks for letting me ramble.

the parable of the lost wallet

If a girl, okay, a woman looses her wallet in the HUGE parking lot of a theme park will she not search for it (once she arrives home 30 minutes away and realizes it is missing)? Once their was such a woman. The woman searched and searched, her husband searched and searched, her family searched and searched to no avail. There were calls to the lost and found and speculations to what had happened. "It is lost. Cancel your cards." "Call for new social security cards, insurance cards, library cards, driver's liscence, etc". Then the woman cried out to God and asked her friends to cry out to God on her behalf. "Father, You are so big. You know exactly where my wallet is," she cried, "I would like to have my wallet back. Would You put it in the hands of an honest person?" Will the Lord not hear her prayer? HE DID. He caused her wallet to be found by a man who searched for her, called her, and returned the wallet with not a single leftover receipt missing! And there was (and is) much rejoicing by the woman, her family, and her faithful praying friends; for her wallet was lost but is found.
Now, if they can rejoice over a silly piece of material with a zipper and plastic and paper things that won't last forever think of how much more God rejoices when a precious person is found. When even one person comes to Him, realizing their lostness without Him, He rejoices. He loves us. He created us, sent His only Son, Jesus, to die for us so that we could be found. How great is the Father's love for us! Thank You, Father, for finding my wallet and even more so, for finding me.