Never Once, a song by Matt Redman, came on and I fell
apart. It has been over a year since my
family and I were stuck in the middle of the terrorist attack at Westage
Shopping Mall in Nairobi, Kenya. I
thought that those kinds of tears were finished. I have found that I still get weak/ weepy
when I think about that day, but I had no idea that there was a breakdown left
in me.
I was driving back down the mountain after dropping my oldest
son off at boarding school. This is the
second to last 3-month term before he graduates. I am sure that had nothing to do with it ;) . I was talking to God and listening to music
when the song came on. You have to
understand the way God used certain songs to minister to me during the time following Westgate. I had been introduced to Oceans by a college
roommate just before and He strengthened me, showing me that HE called me out
upon the waters, HE took me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith
was made stronger in the presence of my Savior. He used Take Heart to remind me to let His love
lead me through the night, to hold on to Hope, and take courage again. There are others, but Never Once He used to
take me BACK to the scene, back to Westgate and remember that HE. WAS. THERE.
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us
My family had been separated during the initial explosions
and gunfire. My husband and oldest son
were on the level above my four younger children and I. We were rounding the corner when the blasts
started. We were inches away from the
gunmen’s entry point. We turned and ran to the opposite corner of the
mall. We ended up in a storage area,
kneeling between pallets of flour and shelves of toilet paper. We were stuck there for several hours, stuck
listening to screams, gunfire, and explosions.
The fear was that we would be found.
The fear was not knowing what would happen if we were found. I have
always had a vivid imagination and it was taking me places I didn’t want to go
with my little ones. We had also
“collected” two boys who had been separated from their mother. My heart ached for them and for their mother,
whom they were unable to reach by phone.
We were kneeling on a battleground.
During one of the lulls between shooting we VERY quietly
began talking about how God had provided for us.
He had kept us together, He had provided people to help us along the
way, He used store employees to pass out water to us, and we had been able to
contact my husband by phone and knew they were ok. I couldn’t believe we hadn’t been separated
in that sea of people, there were 5 of us.
I couldn’t believe we didn’t get trampled; the panic of the crowd was
palpable. I couldn’t believe none of us had been shot; the gunfire was RIGHT
behind us.
We were looking at just how far we’d come, knowing that every
victory was HIS power in us.
The whole time we were hiding there was NEVER a doubt that
God was there. He was the strong tower
we ran to – the flour and toilet paper that provided our shelter. Remembering that as I kneeled uncomfortably,
I laughed to myself. His presence was so
very real, so very sure. He was, and is,
the friend that sticks closer than a brother. He is faithfully true to who He
is. He doesn’t change and He doesn’t
lie. I was able to rest in the truth of
who HE is. I knew that no matter what
happened, He would be faithful, He would be there.
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Held within Your perfect peace
The days and weeks that followed the
attack at Westgate were the kind of hard and wonderful that can only be
explained by the presence of God walking through it with you. The sweetness of that time is something I
will always cherish. God allowed me to
see a part of Him in such a tangible way.
So, Westgate was a gift. Would I
ever WANT to do it again? No! Would I go there with Him again? … I humbly
answer, “If He so led”. God is gracious
and He Himself is our peace.
In the year or so since Westgate there have been scars and
struggles, but with joy my heart can say, “Never Once did we ever walk alone”.
So, back to the breakdown…
I am sad that I am still struggling over a
year out. Not all days are hard, but
some sneak up and punch me in the gut when I’m not looking. We ended up going back to the states for two
months this summer for some counselling, which was SO helpful. And I am back to meeting with a counselor now. Westgate was traumatic but carrying the lie
that I failed in healing has been worse. Every perceived failure since feels like another weight added.
I have a hard time accepting that “we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that
the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.” 2 Corinthians 4:7. It is hard to be so fragile. I would SO rather have my stuff together. So I will put one foot in front of the other and embrace the hard, the humbling,
the broken parts of me, and trust Him with the healing.
Every step we are breathing in Your
grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
